How is she?

Obviously, the question we get right now most often is, "How is Abby?" And the answer, medically speaking, is really great. She can go most of the day without pain medication, and even then it's just a tylenol instead of the liquid percocet she was on. She's getting around great on her crutches, and probably won't even need those by the end of the week. And overall, she seems like she's definitely on the mend.

But other things are hard. She's really worried about going back to school tomorrow. Her crutches make her slow, she doesn't understand what a bone infection is, much less have the ability to explain it to all of kids who will ask her what happened, she's embarassed about her PICC line in her arm, and is worried that she's not caught up on all of her homework. I try to ease her fears, but they're quite deeply embedded and tonight, when she was tired after a full day and a shower, she broke down and told me she wasn't ready to go back. I know she is, and in the morning things will look better, but it's still hard.

And then there are times when it's hard to not yell at her. My patience has been on ultra high lately, and it's slowly wearing down. When she screams at me when I brush her hair because it hurts, or when she moans and cries because she's freezing because she can't stand under the warm shower, I try to have sympathy. But when she yells at me because she doesn't think I'm doing something right, like when I covered her PICC line and her stitches on her leg with Press 'N Seal and tape, I want to tell her I'm doing the best I can, that I don't know how to do this either, that I'm as scared as she is. But I smile and reassure her and try not to take it personally. I know it's a compliment that she feels safe enough to yell at me. But it doesn't always feel complimentary, and I debate how much I should let her get away with.

Coming home on Friday was great but so chaotic. They told me for sure it would be Saturday at least, so when it came earlier I had to get everything packed up and realized I still had so many questions... How do I change the dressing on her leg? How does she take a shower? When can she walk without crutches? We got out of there, and I asked all my questions, but I still couldn't remember all the answers. Then Abby asked if we could stop at school and, since they were having as assembly that afternoon (last day of the quarter), I said we could go to that. I'm glad we did because her class got to ask questions of her, and I could help her answer. By the end, though, she was really tired and weepy. I was worried it was too much and a bad decision. And then...

We had to get home because the home health nurse was coming at 4. We hurried back, got inside, and Dave told me I missed her. What? It was only 3:45 and she was supposed to come at 4. Apparently, she came at 3. Dave learned everything just fine, and with the training they gave me in the hospital, I learned everything just fine from him, but I felt ultimately disappointed and mad at myself that I missed it.

Friday and Saturday just felt off. The kids were all needy, all off-kilter, and they had every right to be after the crazy week they had, but all I wanted to do was sequester myself and not talk to anyone, to try to return to being a human, but I knew that wouldn't be fair to them. So, I did my best to split some time between them all and myself. It helped that my mom and sister came over so the kids had someone to play with and Abby had some distraction. Wear them out a little!

Today and tonight feels much better. Church this morning that even Dave went to, lunch at our favorite Ale House, some relaxing time and some hanging out with friends. Nolan got all his homework done without complaint and Abby got a good portion of hers done (although not enough to put her mind at ease when I made her stop... she couldn't do any of it anymore without breaking down about it). I got caught up on house things and Dave got caught up on some cleaning. I'm ready to face the day tomorrow, and am looking forward to the return of a schedule, and pray that Abby's able to make it through the day.

And through it all I'm grateful... I've realized again the wonderful people I have in my life. My family and Dave's, our friends, Abby's friends, teachers, neighbors, co-workers, everyone. The people I have surrounding me never cease to amaze me in their generosity, kindness, concern and ability to make us laugh. I hope you all know who you are and hope you never feel taken for granted! Thank you!