The good, the bad, and, oh let's face it, just the ugly

There's a lot of reasons I don't write. Sometimes I'm busy, and now certainly applies! Sometimes there's nothing really exciting happening, and it's been pretty status quo around here. Sometimes I'm exhausted, and that certainly qualifies now too. But, other times, something I'm thinking or feeling just feels too unshareable, too intense, either good (love, joy and other unfailingly emotional words) or bad (jealousy, frustration, and other things I'm not comfortable with).

Today, it's that last one. Maybe it's not something that's too intense, but more something I'm embarassed to admit. When I had kids, I expected a lot of things--Joy, frustration, craziness, love, the whole gamut of emotion. But what I didn't expect was how absolutely, wonderfully perfect I want them to be. I'm not talking healthy perfect, which, mind you, I also want them to be. But I'm talking about how I want them to DO well. And not just doing their best, but being the best. I've felt twinges of this in the past, but now that Abby's older? I feel it so often it kills me. I don't want to feel it. I don't want her to know I feel it. But it's there, can't help it.

On Sunday Abby has her first real swim meet, and I'm worried. My biggest fear? That she'll suck. Yup, that's the bottom line. And I'm not sure why I'm so worried. Am I nervous that she'll be embarassed or not want to swim anymore? Am I worried that I'll be embarassed? What's the deal? I mean, she's seven. How good, or bad, could she really be? I tell her not to worry, it's not a matter of who she beats. But rather, it's about beating her own time, doing her own best. I believe it, I really do! I just still... get worried.

It happens with school, too. For the first time, Abby had standardized testing. We got the results in the mail on Friday, and in math she was average to high. In reading she was all average, with (gulp!) one low score in comprehension. Low? That kills me to admit even here. Why is that? I want her to do the best, to be the best. At least be above average on everything.

And, it's not just Abby, although it hasn't reared its ugly head as much with Nolan. My main worry? That he's not social. He hasn't made many friends in school, and at recess plays with Abby or with Kyan across the street. Good options, but he hasn't been able to meet new friends, and I want him to. I tell him it's for his own good, but is it? Does it matter? Or is it just me, worrying that he won't fit in, be the best at friend-making?

And what am I proud of for Max and Ava? Max can swim. And ride his big bike and his two-wheel scooter. And he's potty trained already, nights and naps included. And Ava! She sleeps through the night! All above average things.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. On some level, I know we all want what's best for our kids, but I also know that if they feel the pressure, that's not what's best for them. It's not like I was always the best at everything. My grades were good, but not wonderful. I was good at sports, but not fabulous. I'm very critical of myself, so I guess I'm just critical of them, too. I feel like some days I'm not accepting of them, but I do love them for them. I think I just want them to be the best them they can be!