I'm wandering until I get to my story, so stay with me. I think almost every mom has felt a disproportionate amount of guilt over something that was no big deal to anyone else. I vaguely remember our family going on a picnic when my sister and I were little. I have no idea where we went, or even what we did. But I do remember my mom crying because she forgot the cooler with the food (mom, am I remembering that right?). To us, no big deal. To her, the end of the world, or at least the joy of the day.
So, here we are today. Abby's first swim meet was this morning, and she was swimming in three events, so I spent a crazy amount of time last night getting everything ready. I baked cookies to donate to the concessions stand, and stayed up until they cooled so I could put them in baggies. I had the diaper bag, Abby's swim bag, water bottles, kids' DSs, directions, plus a list of everything I needed to double check in in the morning. We had to leave at 6:15, so I wanted to make sure everything was set. And this morning everything went great. Abby and Nolan got up without hassle, Ava woke up in perfect timing to eat and fall back asleep in her carseat (Dave was staying home with Nolan), we made great time to Fond du Lac and all was well. We hung out at the concessions, where I was working, for awhile, and then I got Abby settled into the pool. I then went and got a heat sheet so I knew about when Abby would be swimming and I could leave concessions and go watch her. As I was flipping through the AM events, I could only find her name once. Strange, I know she was signed up for three, but maybe they didn't have enough kids for the relay or the 7-8 year old 25 freestyle. I took the heat sheet to the people that were running the meet from our swim club and checked with them. And then...
The thread was tugged, just a tiny bit, but it was that thread that was holding every last shred of organization, steadiness and sanity together.
The ladies told me that Abby's other two events were yesterday. Oh.my.goodness. Seriously? Yesterday? Indeed. It was in that moment that I sat there and actually thought, "How can I make time go backwards? How can I make this right? HOW CAN THIS NOT BE ME, IN THIS SITUATION, STANDING HERE RIGHT NOW?" And that was it. I walked away and cried. And I couldn't stop. It's one of those that no matter how much you think you have it under control, as soon as you think about it your eyes just burn again. I called Dave to tell him, and broke down on the phone. I know he thought I was nuts. And I know that I am. But even now, I'm still so sad over it. I'm sad that for Abby's first meet, she only got to do the backcrawl. And I'm sad that those swimming people probably think I'm unreliable. And I'm sad that the image I have of myself is shattered. I thought I had it all together. It turns out, I may just be hanging on by a thread.
Ok, ok, I know what you all will say, think or write. Ava's child number four, and she's only two months old. I should cut myself some slack. And I know that, and I have. Abby didn't even care (and I think she was actually relieved she didn't have to dive off the starting blocks). But as much as I logically know that tomorrow everything will be fine, and I'll get it back together, and this won't even be the last or worst thing I screw up, it still makes my heart heavy, ya know?
Anyway, I'll leave you with some pictures. At least I can do that!!
Dave was trying to get a picture of Ava smiling. He was close, but they're cute even without a smile!
Abby before she gets into the pool... I wasn't going to take pictures because I was boycotting myself, but thought I should take a few anyway. The second picture below shows a close-up of her.
Abby finishing up below... She's the one with her hand in the air, five lanes from the top. See the girl next to her already getting out of the pool? Abby has great form, but isn't so quick yet. I was reading an article about swimmers saying that early success is no indication of success later on in a swimming career. In fact, it could possibly be the opposite. So, I'm happy that she's concentrating on form at this point and time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd like her to win, but I can look on the bright side! :)
The kids have been doing a lot of this lately... I remember my sister and I doing this when we were little!
The sleepy littles...
Ava trying out her bumbo. She's getting pretty good at it, and loves hanging out on the counter!
Nolan went to a birthday party today and came home looking like this. SCARY!!
4 comments:
Okay – so I actually woke up thinking about you two mornings in a row so I figured I should post to you. First off – you’re right. I am going to tell you to cut yourself a break. This is your fourth child, she’s only two months old, and you are doing a great job. Second of all – because this is what was on mind when I woke up – I’m going to tell you to simplify your life. You do not need to be super woman even though you might think you do and it is part of your personality.
Here are the three rules I live by:
1) Simplify, Simplify, Simplify.
2) There is no shame in taking the easy way out (why the hell do you take 4 kids into a grocery store EVER? Leave them home with dave/neighbor/babysitter.).
3) Just because you CAN do it, doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it. (my personal favorite)
Now I am going to leave you with a story that should give a good laugh because it proves that it happens to all of us. Yesterday I drove to work instead of taking the train. This is a pain in the butt and entails me paying for parking. I left work early and went to a doctor’s appt. As I stood at the receptionist’s desk thinking of all the things I had to do she asked my name again and commented that she couldn’t find my appt. This barely registered with me. Next thing I know she tells me my appt was yesterday. Oh yes. YESTERDAY. The worst of it is that I even listened to the automated msg on Friday telling me when my appt was, but I had it in my head that my appt was Tuesday not Monday. Ugh. I was going to suggest that with two big kids with busy schedules that it might be time for a blackberry or iPhone if you don’t already have one, but now I think I might need one! LOL!
So the moral of my response to your blog post? Leave the cheese on the floor until smells because nobody notices it, but YOU! ;-)
PS - (((HUGS)))
By the way - I love the pics. Ava is beautiful. I love the pic of Max with her laying on his back. I can't imagine either of mine falling asleep with a baby on their back. Nolan and Abby are getting so big. Great pics!
I left the cooler at home once. For Nathan's birthday party. You know, the one we were hosting for his friends at the Appleton children's museum. The cooler with all the food in it -- you know, the food I was supposed to be feeding those friends. I was devastated. (And I only had 2 kids at the time! I was preg with #3). I was esp. devastated b/c other moms were there to witness my horrible act of omission. Thankfully, one of them is my now-friend Ann who already had three kids and told me not to worry about it.
The kids ate cake for lunch -- which I don't think they minded at all -- and I felt bad anyway. I also insisted on stopping at McD's for burgers on the way home, 'cause I couldn't send the kids home without food!
Since then, I have forgotten/messed up more things than I care to remember. And life goes on anyway. :)
I guess now is a bad time to remind you that you did originally want 5 kids...
Ha!
I am sory for my crazy voicemail this morning! I had a busy weekend last weekend when I was in "the area" I am sorry I did not get to squeeze in meeting Ava! We will do it soon though!
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