Musings

Interesting that I started this blog for a lot of reasons. Partly it was to share what we're doing in our life with others, but partly it was also for the kids to read. To remind them of the fun and the crazy and the difficult. I remember thinking that they should know, some day, that it wasn't all awesome. That when they're parents and thinking they were all perfect as kids and how come they have it so difficult as parents and that I couldn't possibly understand, they can read the blog books and know that all wasn't always awesome. It was fun and it was crazy but not always awesome. 

Well, that was all fine and well when they were 2 and 4 and 8 and even 10. I knew it was hard, but that it would pass. It was exhausting and challenging but each day started new. And it wasn't personal because they were still in their formative years and still unsure how to harness their feelings. 

But now. Well, now they're nearly 12 and 14, with 8 and 6 behind them. And each day I'm faced with the fact that they're real people. The younger two grew up faster than the older two, and I'm reminded of it every day. It's in the songs they know and the shows they watch and the things they say. But those 12 and 14 year olds. They're a totally different breed. They're fun and funny but challenging. So challenging. They think they know everything. They are alternately little children and then grown ups. They want me close but argue with everything I say. They want advice but don't take it. Each day I just throw up my arms and wonder about the next day. It couldn't be worse. Some days that's true. Other days... well, then there are other days. 

Part of the challenge of blogging is I would write this same thing over and over. Specific examples are hard because they're personal. Because it's not just writing about out of control funny toddlers or children. It's real people and real feelings and real memories. I think I'm thankful there's no blogs of what I did as a teenager. Even today I look back and think I wasn't so bad. And even the things I did only impacted me because I was so mature. And then I think about how that can't be true... because it wouldn't be true of Abby. Everything she does impacts me in some way. I can tell you the millions of things that Ava does... funny or crazy or outright mean or rude or how could that be my child moments. But Abby and now Nolan are different. They're actually navigating life and finding that it might not be easy. That you can alternately be grateful for an experience and disappointed in the experience, which is difficult to process. That you can disagree with someone but not be less loving or loved. Let's be honest, I forget those things too. 

I'm excited to see what they do. To watch Abby go to high school next year and watch her soar. But I'm equally as worried. Life is hard, and it's not bad decisions I'm worried about. It's about the illusion that it should be perfect and tv like or FB worthy, and that it's really not. It's just... life.