Labels

I was watching Supernanny tonight, and while I usually like Jo's ideas, I don't usually follow them. Tonight, she wrote down all the negative words the mom and dad used to label their kids at the beginning of the show, and then she made them write down positive labels. I find myself often labeling my kids--Abby is the bad eater, the child with an attitude; Nolan is emotional and whiny; Max is wild and super crazy. Ava doesn't have any bad labels yet.

But you know what? Abby is also super helpful, social but not inappropriately so in school or other quiet areas, and goes out of her way to make everyone in a group feel included. She's always the one to befriend the new kids in school, has a great time when she's with friends, and just loves life.

Nolan is emotional, but it's because he just feels things so deeply. Tonight I told him he hurt my feelings. He didn't realize it, and when I said it he cried because he felt bad. His love is worn on his sleeve, and he so much wants to be a good friend, but just doesn't always know how to show it yet. He's also so fun and funny. He's always playing some silly game with Max and Dave and I just laugh at him all the time. Nolan is also so neat and organized. He may not always put things away, but his clothes are in his hamper, his bed gets straightened, he's proud of his appearance and his surroundings. Oh, and he's a baseball lover!

Max is just amazing in his physical ability. From potty training to bike riding, he just amazes me. But he also amazes me with his facial expressions, and his sense of humor. At two, he seems to get funny things, and how to be funny. That will be so fun to watch develop.

And everything about Ava is so amazing. I mean, she smiles! She coos! What more could you want? :)

I'd never say my kids are perfect. In fact, too often I point out why they aren't. But from now on, I'm going to try to remember (and tell them!) those really great things that I love about each one of them.

Blogging about blogging

Do you know that I think in blog? I mean, something happens, and immediately my mind "writes" it. If I could carry my computer, log on, and type at any time, you'd be amazed at what would come out. Sometimes I forget, sometimes something else happens and I don't write about one thing so I don't dull the other thing, or sometimes it just doesn't seem blog worthy anymore. It's really a strange dynamic.

The reason I started this blog was many-fold. It is, of course, a great way to keep friends and relatives up-to-date in our lives. Moreso, it's a way for the kids, as they get older, to see things they've done and said. It's my memory capturer, similar to a scrapbook. But now I'm not so sure. For one thing, Abby recently found the blog and started reading it. Yikes! I don't think I'm ready to share with her what I say about her to other people yet. And I'm also not sure how much I want them to remember their childhoods. I mean, the other day, when Nolan was whining and my mom was here, I said, "I never whined like that!" And my mom laughed. She said I was quite melodramatic at times. She always used to tell me "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms." That? I could have gone a lifetime not knowing. Oh well. Blogging is fun, and since I already think in blog, I might as well continue.

I like reading other people's blogs, too. It always feels like a little glimpse into someone's life... funny, dramatic, everything like you or nothing like you, blogs are a book in progress. Tonight I caught up with my reading from blogger/author Catherine Newman. She has a blog here and she also writes a recipe column for family.com. In this article, she was talking about a recipe for vegetable soup, and said:

It takes only the most momentary lapse in kindness, doesn't it? To snuff the glow from your children's eyes? It is devastating, the power we have as parents. I vow, again, kindness only, to let the grace of them illuminate me and dispel the shadows of pettiness.

I love the idea. I wish I could do it, be kind to my kids always. It's what I teach them to do to others. And yet still, at times, I find myself screaming at one or another--literally screaming while they cry. Don't get me wrong... fortunately it's not often. But Tuesday? When five minutes before we were supposed to leave for school, and I realized that Nolan didn't tell me about the books he was supposed to read, didn't know where his library book was, couldn't find his coat, gloves, hat? I screamed. And watched the glow leave his eyes. And I wonder if, each time I yell, if those eyes ever get the full brightness of the glow back, or if it diminishes each time, by just a little bit. Kindness only, I will try, if only so I never have to know the answer to that, and can always see the glow in his big brown eyes.

Phone call and santa and nice people

The phone rang tonight from a number I didn't recognize. The conversation went like this:



Me: Hello?

Girl on phone: Is Dave there?

Me: No, he's not. Can I take a message?

Girl on phone: Um, this is Megan, his daughter.

Me: Ha! Uh, I think you must have the wrong number. At least I hope so!!

Girl on phone: Kind of laughed and hung up.



Dave, anything you think I should know? :)



On the way to school the other day, Nolan said something about santa. Abby said, "Some people don't think santa is real." Really? Who? "Someone at school said they saw their mom and dad wrapping presents and putting them under the tree." Wow! I'm glad I don't have to do that. I'd be sad if santa didn't bring our gifts!

Just give me one more year of believing. I don't think I could handle it this year.

Shocker, I forgot another thing tonight. I ordered stuff from the kids' fundraiser and I was supposed to pick it up tonight. The lady organizing it all called me twice, but we were at the Y so I didn't get them until too late. Ugh. I called her and left a message and then felt horrible. She is the mom who does and organizes it all... school fundraiser, soccer, PTO, everything. And when she called me back? She was SO nice. She really could have made me feel guilty but didn't. I really like those people. Understanding, nice, organized. Some day maybe that will be me.

It rained and it rained...

...but that's ok, because the babies came two by two!

You may recognize Ava on the right, and the gorgeous boy on the left is Mr. Jack Ebbs. Ava took her first plane ride this weekend, for her first play date, to visit with our friends Brian and Tammy, and their 5-month old son Jack.

Seven years ago, Brian and Tammy came to visit us, and here they are holding Abby.

And now they have their very own, who we got the privilege of holding when we went to visit them this time!

Last time we were in DC, we did a few site seeing things. This time our only agenda was to meet Jack and RELAX! Looks successful, huh?

Jack even got his first tooth while we were there, too... and didn't complain about it at all. Watching Brian and Tammy as parents is wonderful. They're so wonderful, so in love with Jack and everything he does, it's amazing to see them. Here's Brian with Ava. Now that he has a baby of his own, I think he's much more comfortable with ours!

And here's Tammy with Ava... a natural mom.

The moms and the babies...

The dads and the babies...

Dave and Jack

Two babies, no waiting! Jack is such a happy guy!

We're heading home tomorrow, and will check out the homefront. Dave's parents are with the other three... and are doing FONDUE! Have they met Max? I'll let you know how that goes!

The one thread that unravels it all

I've always tried really hard to never be one of "those" people. Not that there's anything wrong with "those" people, but I just choose not to be one. What people? Those people who never seem to have it quite together. They're always running late, forgetting something, you can never quite count on them. Well, ok, to be honest, I always forget stuff (purse, anyone?) and I'm always running late (some day I'll figure out that it takes longer than 5 minutes to run into the grocery store with 4 kids), but at work I was always the one that knew what was going on, people could count on me!

I'm wandering until I get to my story, so stay with me. I think almost every mom has felt a disproportionate amount of guilt over something that was no big deal to anyone else. I vaguely remember our family going on a picnic when my sister and I were little. I have no idea where we went, or even what we did. But I do remember my mom crying because she forgot the cooler with the food (mom, am I remembering that right?). To us, no big deal. To her, the end of the world, or at least the joy of the day.

So, here we are today. Abby's first swim meet was this morning, and she was swimming in three events, so I spent a crazy amount of time last night getting everything ready. I baked cookies to donate to the concessions stand, and stayed up until they cooled so I could put them in baggies. I had the diaper bag, Abby's swim bag, water bottles, kids' DSs, directions, plus a list of everything I needed to double check in in the morning. We had to leave at 6:15, so I wanted to make sure everything was set. And this morning everything went great. Abby and Nolan got up without hassle, Ava woke up in perfect timing to eat and fall back asleep in her carseat (Dave was staying home with Nolan), we made great time to Fond du Lac and all was well. We hung out at the concessions, where I was working, for awhile, and then I got Abby settled into the pool. I then went and got a heat sheet so I knew about when Abby would be swimming and I could leave concessions and go watch her. As I was flipping through the AM events, I could only find her name once. Strange, I know she was signed up for three, but maybe they didn't have enough kids for the relay or the 7-8 year old 25 freestyle. I took the heat sheet to the people that were running the meet from our swim club and checked with them. And then...

The thread was tugged, just a tiny bit, but it was that thread that was holding every last shred of organization, steadiness and sanity together.

The ladies told me that Abby's other two events were yesterday. Oh.my.goodness. Seriously? Yesterday? Indeed. It was in that moment that I sat there and actually thought, "How can I make time go backwards? How can I make this right? HOW CAN THIS NOT BE ME, IN THIS SITUATION, STANDING HERE RIGHT NOW?" And that was it. I walked away and cried. And I couldn't stop. It's one of those that no matter how much you think you have it under control, as soon as you think about it your eyes just burn again. I called Dave to tell him, and broke down on the phone. I know he thought I was nuts. And I know that I am. But even now, I'm still so sad over it. I'm sad that for Abby's first meet, she only got to do the backcrawl. And I'm sad that those swimming people probably think I'm unreliable. And I'm sad that the image I have of myself is shattered. I thought I had it all together. It turns out, I may just be hanging on by a thread.


Ok, ok, I know what you all will say, think or write. Ava's child number four, and she's only two months old. I should cut myself some slack. And I know that, and I have. Abby didn't even care (and I think she was actually relieved she didn't have to dive off the starting blocks). But as much as I logically know that tomorrow everything will be fine, and I'll get it back together, and this won't even be the last or worst thing I screw up, it still makes my heart heavy, ya know?

Anyway, I'll leave you with some pictures. At least I can do that!!


Dave was trying to get a picture of Ava smiling. He was close, but they're cute even without a smile!

Abby before she gets into the pool... I wasn't going to take pictures because I was boycotting myself, but thought I should take a few anyway. The second picture below shows a close-up of her.

Abby finishing up below... She's the one with her hand in the air, five lanes from the top. See the girl next to her already getting out of the pool? Abby has great form, but isn't so quick yet. I was reading an article about swimmers saying that early success is no indication of success later on in a swimming career. In fact, it could possibly be the opposite. So, I'm happy that she's concentrating on form at this point and time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd like her to win, but I can look on the bright side! :)

The kids have been doing a lot of this lately... I remember my sister and I doing this when we were little!

The sleepy littles...

Ava trying out her bumbo. She's getting pretty good at it, and loves hanging out on the counter!

Nolan went to a birthday party today and came home looking like this. SCARY!!

I've lost my mind, I'm not sure I'll ever get it back

I remember when I had Abby I expected my baby brain to go away and my regular brain to come back. And, just as people warned me would happen, it didn't. In fact, I lost a little bit with each one. But this last one? It feels like it completely eroded my brain. Case in point...

Last night I decided that we'd go to the fire department open house before Abby's swim meet, and after I worked all day. In the hurried effort to get out the door (kids eating in the car), I forgot my wallet--no driver's license, money, nothing. Then, this morning, I left my iPod and my book at home when going to the Y. I know that sounds small, but one of the reasons I work out is so that I can read! I mean, exercise for an hour without anything good to read? Ugh, it was drudgery.

I guess I'm just lucky I don't forget Ava. Unless you count that one time that Max had to really pee, so I took him in the gas station, took him to the bathroom, got back out to the car and realized, oh crap, I forgot Ava. (Please don't call child services on me!) I feel like a bus driver--check for sleeping children! Then there are times when I'm driving in the car and think uh oh. Did I leave her at home? And on Wednesdays when I'm driving to work, and I'm all alone, I have moments of panic at least three times because it's so quiet.

I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. Of course, if I can never find my keys, it will just never be a problem!

The good, the bad, and, oh let's face it, just the ugly

There's a lot of reasons I don't write. Sometimes I'm busy, and now certainly applies! Sometimes there's nothing really exciting happening, and it's been pretty status quo around here. Sometimes I'm exhausted, and that certainly qualifies now too. But, other times, something I'm thinking or feeling just feels too unshareable, too intense, either good (love, joy and other unfailingly emotional words) or bad (jealousy, frustration, and other things I'm not comfortable with).

Today, it's that last one. Maybe it's not something that's too intense, but more something I'm embarassed to admit. When I had kids, I expected a lot of things--Joy, frustration, craziness, love, the whole gamut of emotion. But what I didn't expect was how absolutely, wonderfully perfect I want them to be. I'm not talking healthy perfect, which, mind you, I also want them to be. But I'm talking about how I want them to DO well. And not just doing their best, but being the best. I've felt twinges of this in the past, but now that Abby's older? I feel it so often it kills me. I don't want to feel it. I don't want her to know I feel it. But it's there, can't help it.

On Sunday Abby has her first real swim meet, and I'm worried. My biggest fear? That she'll suck. Yup, that's the bottom line. And I'm not sure why I'm so worried. Am I nervous that she'll be embarassed or not want to swim anymore? Am I worried that I'll be embarassed? What's the deal? I mean, she's seven. How good, or bad, could she really be? I tell her not to worry, it's not a matter of who she beats. But rather, it's about beating her own time, doing her own best. I believe it, I really do! I just still... get worried.

It happens with school, too. For the first time, Abby had standardized testing. We got the results in the mail on Friday, and in math she was average to high. In reading she was all average, with (gulp!) one low score in comprehension. Low? That kills me to admit even here. Why is that? I want her to do the best, to be the best. At least be above average on everything.

And, it's not just Abby, although it hasn't reared its ugly head as much with Nolan. My main worry? That he's not social. He hasn't made many friends in school, and at recess plays with Abby or with Kyan across the street. Good options, but he hasn't been able to meet new friends, and I want him to. I tell him it's for his own good, but is it? Does it matter? Or is it just me, worrying that he won't fit in, be the best at friend-making?

And what am I proud of for Max and Ava? Max can swim. And ride his big bike and his two-wheel scooter. And he's potty trained already, nights and naps included. And Ava! She sleeps through the night! All above average things.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. On some level, I know we all want what's best for our kids, but I also know that if they feel the pressure, that's not what's best for them. It's not like I was always the best at everything. My grades were good, but not wonderful. I was good at sports, but not fabulous. I'm very critical of myself, so I guess I'm just critical of them, too. I feel like some days I'm not accepting of them, but I do love them for them. I think I just want them to be the best them they can be!